Moving out

Today is the day I talked to a couple people to find a place to live. I thought about apartments which is good. I thought about staying home and living with my parents and that part just scared the shit out of me. I thought about going to college and staying in their apartments and that is just too much money. Now I am thinking about moving in with my friend Katie. Problems with that include the fact that my parents already don't trust me, my parents don't like my friend, and I don't know what her mom's house rules are. If it means that I can't drink, or can't hang out with my boyfriend all the time, or absolutely hold a job, than it might not work out. I need my alcohol to cope because for one: if I don't get my alcohol, then I might just pick up smoking. For two, if I don't get to see my boyfriend on a regular basis than that is just going to start a whole hell of a lot of problems.
Sorry. I'm back. My friend Josh just got back from Chicago. He had a blast while I'm here crying my eyes out and wishing I was an alcoholic or a druggie. I wish I could just disappear for a while and come back out rich and famous for the work I never did. My aunt told me marry rich and don't care if he is cheating on you. Thing is, I am independent. I like to do things myself. But when it comes to relationships I want a guy to be there by my side and hold me when I'm in situations like this. I want a guy who will call me every morning just to tell me he loved me and then marry me and be with me forever. Divorces happen. I'm sure I'll go through at least 3. Guys just don't get along with me. I do as they please and get nothing out of it. :( I wish my teddy bear could talk to me and tell me what I should do. It would be so much more helpful. I think I am going to read after I finish with this.
I wish I was still in high school so I could still have someone to talk to. My teachers were always there for me and now, here I am stuck in my bedroom wishing I could just come out and say, "Will someone help me through this because I think if I keep living this way it'll kill me!" I used to think about what would happen if I could just swerve into the other lane going 60 and see if I could die, just to see what death was like. Sorry for anyone who has a problem with what I have just said but it is completely true. I do think of killing myself every once in a while. Those thoughts have gone down majorly now that someone is with me but I feel like if I talk to him about how I feel right now he will just leave me which means that the thoughts will come down on me even more.
There is a fly in my room and it is bugging the fuck out of me. I want to be out and about but I guess I have to stay here and do absolutely nothing. Life is so fucking gay! I never thought that being 18 would suck so much. I'm just ready to get out. I'm scared to express my feelings right now on the computer because some people might know my boyfriend so I'll just keep my feelings to myself. I just wish him and I could have a chance to talk :( This is so dumb right now that I don't even think it's funny anymore. The situation I'm in makes me feel like I can never keep a fucking relationship for more than 4 months. I think it would be better off for him to just dump me because what is the point. If we continue to date while he is at camp than yeah we would have dated for 4 months but technically he wasn't here or I wasn't there so we really weren't actually dating you know? I wish I had the ability to tell him that I don't want him to leave me but then I don't want to be the one to ruin his chances of having an amazing summer, even if it means ruining mine.
My mom is fighting with me again. At least this time it's over text messages. I don't like it when people yell at me to my face. I really need to go to the chiropractor because my back is killing me. I need to get a matress for my bed but why do they have to be so expensive?? I wish I had something going on this summer so I didn't have to think about John so much. My God. Why can't I get him out of my mind?? He is all I ever think about and I really don't understand why. This really hasn't happened to me since the first time I dated Tyler K. My shoulders are so tense right now. I need a back rub but like I can ever get anything around here.
Well, I guess I'm going to go to bed. So good night :))) :((( still sad

Fuck my Life...or just help me through it

I used to think that turning 18 would be the most amazing feeling. Move out, have a whole bunch of friends to get drunk with every night, and to go to bed around 5 in the morning every night. WRONG!!! Well, actually let me put it this way: VERY WRONG!!!! That was the only thought I ever had that was soooo majorly messed up. My Goodness you know if I could just get married and have kids now I'd be totally set. P.S. Sorry Ty Ty for scaring you with that part. LOL.
I used to want to adopt a chinese little girl and bring her back to the U.S. but I believe that will never happen. I used to dream that I would be a rock star and a mama by now but I had those dreams when I was 7 so don't blame me. I wish people actually read this thing so I could be telling someone about myself, although I am quite boring! It would be nice to be married though. That dream is still on the top of my list. I have a red wedding dress but I told John that and the first thing he said was, "NO! You are not going to have a red dress at our wedding!" I hope he realized that he said, "OUR".
My brother stopped talking to me. My older sister talks nonsense to me so I just ignore her now. I don't know my 2 other little sisters Meranda and Alexandria well enough seeing as to how I have seen them once since I was 11. 7 years ago and I still can't get them to like me. My other little sister Bridget used to be my best friend. She was smart, funny, pretty cool(she would do everything I told her to even if it would get her into trouble). But now she acts like she is 2, she is quite annoying so I can't stand being around her now, and all she ever wants to do is play on her god damn fuckin computer. I don't really get along with my other sister Brooke. I just think she's mean all the time beating up her friends and fighting with me all the time. Then there is Wren. She is 5 years old and can barely talk because my real mom won't give time to teach her how.
So yeah. 2 days ago I turned 18 as you already know. We had a little bonfire, I had my friend and my boyfriend over but even if he didn't realize it my best friend pissed me off so fuckin bad on the car ride back home. Sorry to everyone who was at my party that I made mad. I wish I could just go back and try everything over again. If I could, I would have been able to graduate early. If I would have been able to pass all my classes at North Linn and Washington, then I might have been able to graduate 2 terms early! :D Oh well. I still graduated.
I had posted on my facebook that I was having the worst fuckin 18th birthday ever and as I have mentioned above it was because of my friend. Well my mom saw that when she got online the day after and she started blaming it all on herself so I took off. NOTE: I had made that comment during the time that my friend was flirting with my bf. So of course I was having a horrible day :( But anywho...She decided to fight with me so I left and then my dad called to try to work everything out with me. I told him that if mom would stop fighting with me then I would come home but if she would start fighting with me again this week I wasn't going to. He told me she wasn't going to fight with me so I went home at 2.
She started fighting with me today. Actually she started bitching at EVERYONE today. I think she's on her period. WOW! I don't even get that pissy when I'm on my period. I wish she had a happy button that I could just push so that she would just stop bitching for once. Because of her I started looking for apartments. I just want to get out and stay with my boyfriend but she keeps making me stay home. He is leaving in half a week :( crap I'm crying now.
I guess I have to go because I'm getting tears all over my laptop. I will write soon. Keep reading all. :( bye...and don't ever make your 18th birthday the worst. Go out and party don't stay home unless your mom is your bestest friend in the whole entire world. Yeah right :( my mom just doesn't know when to stop :/ Bye.

Graduating and my 18th Birthday

This morning was the worst. I woke up feeling as if it was another day. Last night I hung out with my boyfriend got home around 11:30 and hung out with my mom until I could open my birthday present. She kept telling me, "It'll take the blonde out of the blonde." and my sister kept saying, "It will get you here." and turns out they got me a GPS. Thank God because getting lost is not always as much fun as it seems LOL.
This morning I woke up, grabbed a bowl of cereal without the milk (takes too long to eat), a can of root beer, and started getting dressed. Opened the can of root beer took a sip and as I was taking that very long sip, I realized I am now an adult and I graduate high school today!!! LIKE OMG!!! So I ended up having a minor panic attack while choking on my drink. I blacked out, fell down in my room very hard(thank goodness I didn't hit my head on anything) and when I started coming back to the real world to the point I could see, I ran upstairs and told mom, nearly passing out while doing so. My chest still hurts. But anyways. I managed to look very sexy I might add for only having 15 minutes to get ready. I'm wearing my very lovely black shirt that every girl in my government class loves, my miley cyrus shirt under that, my uber skinny skinny jeans that are so tight it seems like I just painted them on, and I am wearing my 70 dollar gorgeous black heals that I have been dying to wear somewhere.
For the graduation ceremony, however, I am planning on wearing something blue so I can wear my 170 dollar Chicago blue shoes! AMAZING ZIP UP HEALS THAT GO AROUND YOUR ANKLES!!! Just what should I wear? I want to wear heals but I don't want to trip and fall flat on my face and die. LOL soooo embarassing! Maybe I can wear the same jeans I am wearing now but find a shirt that will match the shoe color or just wear something black with my matching blue jewelry. But I do have this really pretty night gown that I wear as a dress. Kind of the same color. They go good together but you know, I need to iron it so bad. I want to look fantabulous! I could wear the jeans and the dress because the dress is a bit short but then would I look like a layer wearer? I only do that with shirts that show off too much cleavage. I'll ask my mom how I look and if I should change.
Well, I should go. I want to write a thank you letter to my teachers. :D bye!

Amazing weekend

I have had the most AMAZING weekend ever! So, Friday was my bestest friends graduation party! CONGRATS Katelyn :D and her graduation party was so cool. I got to see people I haven't seen in two years which was cool. Then her after party which is a bonfire was fun too even if she doesn't remember anything it was amazing lol. My boyfriend came down from des moines after graduating his freshman year at college. Pretty cool I know. But he didn't warn me that his summer job is all the way up in Okoboji which lasts for 15 weeks. :((( So much for having the best summer ever. Now I am trying to spend as much time with him as I can because he is leaving in a week and a half. WOW I hate long distance relationships.
On the bright side however, me and my bestie are going to try to find an apartment this week. She is going to Kirkwood but she works in Coggon. So we are probably going to try to find a place in either Marion or Cedar Rapids. Which ever one makes her more comfortable. I would rather pick somewhere close to school. But it should be fun. I love her. We've been best friends since 7th grade. I asked her if her boyfriend was moving in with us and how many bedrooms we would need. She said only 2 bedrooms but we could share one if we need to but she also said her boyfriend is not going to move in and that it is a girls place.
It is really hard to find an apartment right now when the friend you are moving in with won't help at all.
Going to see John tonight :D EXCITED! bye

Graduation and...STUFF

So, *big pause*, everything is getting really odd. I feel like I am gaining a whole bunch of weight but really I'm losing some. I guess it is just because I barely fit in my prom dress. I really do need to lose some weight. Especially because water ski too. OH WELL :D
But anyways, graduation is coming up in 23 days. :O I FEEL OLD!!! 23 days...well yeah that's right. What pisses me off though and I have probably already mentioned this, is that graduation day is on my birthday!!! What a great birthday gift right?? Yet again oh well. My mom told my grandpa that he has to get my two presents instead of his cheap butt one present two events kinda thing...if that makes any sense!? So in meaning if it didn't make any, it means this: he has to buy me a present for my graduation and a present for my birthday which means 1 event + 1 event = 2 presents.
Right now I am in my journalism class trying to get mom to send me the poem my grandpa wrote. I signed up for Americorps if I have not yet told anyone. I think it is going to be a great and amazing experience! The one I really wanted to do was for June in Cedar Rapids for flood recovery. It would have been nice but the application has not yet been looked at and the application process ends today. I probably didn't make it in. :( I should have signed up earlier. But I HAVE signed up for six other opportunities all around the United States.
So I have this secret. I still really like my ex boyfriend(as usual) but I'm scared that all he will do is hurt me. I'm scared that if I get back together with him he's just going to be immature and stupid. He says he has a job working out on the farm but I say that is just a chore. When I lived on a farm I had to do chores outside all the time. Why won't he just work and get a real job and what not?? Like seriously boy you are majorly addicted to guitar center so why the hecky decky can't you work there?? GET A JOB! CUT YOUR HAIR!! GROW UP!!!!!
Man I am really getting sick for some reason. I don't know what is going on whether it is just all the Gatorade I'm drinking or if I am actually getting a cold or a flu or a dangerous virus! I wish I would just get better because this whole not being able to breathe out of my nose thing is getting on my nerves! AND WORSE!!!
Well, I have to get back to class and start working so I will write some other day. BYE