Moving out

Today is the day I talked to a couple people to find a place to live. I thought about apartments which is good. I thought about staying home and living with my parents and that part just scared the shit out of me. I thought about going to college and staying in their apartments and that is just too much money. Now I am thinking about moving in with my friend Katie. Problems with that include the fact that my parents already don't trust me, my parents don't like my friend, and I don't know what her mom's house rules are. If it means that I can't drink, or can't hang out with my boyfriend all the time, or absolutely hold a job, than it might not work out. I need my alcohol to cope because for one: if I don't get my alcohol, then I might just pick up smoking. For two, if I don't get to see my boyfriend on a regular basis than that is just going to start a whole hell of a lot of problems.
Sorry. I'm back. My friend Josh just got back from Chicago. He had a blast while I'm here crying my eyes out and wishing I was an alcoholic or a druggie. I wish I could just disappear for a while and come back out rich and famous for the work I never did. My aunt told me marry rich and don't care if he is cheating on you. Thing is, I am independent. I like to do things myself. But when it comes to relationships I want a guy to be there by my side and hold me when I'm in situations like this. I want a guy who will call me every morning just to tell me he loved me and then marry me and be with me forever. Divorces happen. I'm sure I'll go through at least 3. Guys just don't get along with me. I do as they please and get nothing out of it. :( I wish my teddy bear could talk to me and tell me what I should do. It would be so much more helpful. I think I am going to read after I finish with this.
I wish I was still in high school so I could still have someone to talk to. My teachers were always there for me and now, here I am stuck in my bedroom wishing I could just come out and say, "Will someone help me through this because I think if I keep living this way it'll kill me!" I used to think about what would happen if I could just swerve into the other lane going 60 and see if I could die, just to see what death was like. Sorry for anyone who has a problem with what I have just said but it is completely true. I do think of killing myself every once in a while. Those thoughts have gone down majorly now that someone is with me but I feel like if I talk to him about how I feel right now he will just leave me which means that the thoughts will come down on me even more.
There is a fly in my room and it is bugging the fuck out of me. I want to be out and about but I guess I have to stay here and do absolutely nothing. Life is so fucking gay! I never thought that being 18 would suck so much. I'm just ready to get out. I'm scared to express my feelings right now on the computer because some people might know my boyfriend so I'll just keep my feelings to myself. I just wish him and I could have a chance to talk :( This is so dumb right now that I don't even think it's funny anymore. The situation I'm in makes me feel like I can never keep a fucking relationship for more than 4 months. I think it would be better off for him to just dump me because what is the point. If we continue to date while he is at camp than yeah we would have dated for 4 months but technically he wasn't here or I wasn't there so we really weren't actually dating you know? I wish I had the ability to tell him that I don't want him to leave me but then I don't want to be the one to ruin his chances of having an amazing summer, even if it means ruining mine.
My mom is fighting with me again. At least this time it's over text messages. I don't like it when people yell at me to my face. I really need to go to the chiropractor because my back is killing me. I need to get a matress for my bed but why do they have to be so expensive?? I wish I had something going on this summer so I didn't have to think about John so much. My God. Why can't I get him out of my mind?? He is all I ever think about and I really don't understand why. This really hasn't happened to me since the first time I dated Tyler K. My shoulders are so tense right now. I need a back rub but like I can ever get anything around here.
Well, I guess I'm going to go to bed. So good night :))) :((( still sad