Dear Mr. Him,
I love the way you looked at me from across the room. I loved how you would whisper in your friends ear asking about me. I love how your friend talks to my friend. I love how they put us together like peanut butter and jelly. We met and everything is perfect. You tell me I'm beautiful as I come out in my evening dress. You tell me you have a surprise for me, as your walking me to your car. You open the door for me and I see you bought me roses. You say there is more to come and I can't help but smile. Our first date is going so well.
We pull into an empty lot and you blind fold me. I get a little worried but excited all the same. You start driving again, just around the block. "Where are we going?" I ask. You say, "It's a surprise!" You park and I hear you get out of your car. I am fumbling around trying to find the door handle when the door suddenly opens. I feel you take my hand and kiss me on the cheek. We start going up some stairs and I think that is an elevator. Where are we? I think. He tells me to watch my step just as the tip of my toe hits something hard. He says there is a couple more steps and were nearly there. We go up the stairs and he lets go of my hand. I feel him kiss my neck just as he takes off my blind fold.
I gasp as soon as I see what I'm looking at. Were on a roof of a building with a beautiful view. Lots of sparkling lights with the stars shining above. A table in the middle and a waiter. Yes! An actual waiter. He pulls my chair out and gestures for me to sit. I do and he goes around and sits across from me. The waiter puts a tray down in front of me and lifts the lid and it was pasta! Mmmmmm my favorite! Fettochini Alfredo! We pass through that meal and he asks for me to dance and just as I am about to say "there is no music" beautiful classical music starts playing as a man with a violin comes out to view.
We start dancing as I rest my head on his shoulder. He smells good, John Varvetos maybe? His warmth draws me in and I don't want to let him go and I realize I don't even know who I am dancing with. What does he look like? I never noticed. I pull away to look at his face, into those eyes I'm sure are soft and warm and welcoming. He is gone now and I wake up.
I always wake up. I can never see the man who makes my dreams come true. But at least I have something to look forward to, for this dream shall repeat itself the moment I fall asleep tonight. I will look forward to details, paying attention, and looking for the man in my dreams, for he will be waiting with roses in hand with that smile. That smile that just draws me in. Makes me smile just thinking of him. Whoever HE is. I already know I love him and miss him already for being awake only 2 hours.
Good morning world, for I am in love with the man in my dreams.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Oh Poo
Dear Readers,
Don't trust guys. Most of them will hurt you, lie to you, make you cry even though you feel like you love them. And deep down when you're loving them, your dying inside from all the hate in the room. Hate that you just want to punch something, scream at the top of your lungs, beg God for a better life and to have happiness always. Have a better family and more friends, have a caring boyfriend that will hold you when you're angry or sad or crying. One that will be there no matter how close or how far, how sad or happy, he is. One that you can trust to show up if you end up in the ER because you tried killing yourself and STILL say "I love you".
Dear Readers,
There is no one you can trust, no one you can love, and believe that they will be there for you forever and always.
I can't believe in love, when it does not exhist in my world. I thought I have loved but all I have is lost. So get your butt on that highway and just drive. Drive till your car runs out of gas. Drive until your today turns into tomorrow. Believe that time is not always on your side but it is slow enough to find what you are looking for.
What am I looking for?
I am looking for me. I am looking for the perfect HIM. I am looking for a better tomorrow that will make today seem priceless. I am looking for my knight and shining armor type guy who will sweep me off my feet. I am LOOKING. Looking is the first step of believing. Believing will help you FIND what you were LOOKING for. I am looking for that beautiful sunset, that one where he will find me. That night no one will ever forget. Where my skin will glow with happiness and my smile will be cheerful.
But I forgot.
There is no such thing as love.
That dream will never come.
He will never come.
I am alone.
~Kelly
Don't trust guys. Most of them will hurt you, lie to you, make you cry even though you feel like you love them. And deep down when you're loving them, your dying inside from all the hate in the room. Hate that you just want to punch something, scream at the top of your lungs, beg God for a better life and to have happiness always. Have a better family and more friends, have a caring boyfriend that will hold you when you're angry or sad or crying. One that will be there no matter how close or how far, how sad or happy, he is. One that you can trust to show up if you end up in the ER because you tried killing yourself and STILL say "I love you".
Dear Readers,
There is no one you can trust, no one you can love, and believe that they will be there for you forever and always.
I can't believe in love, when it does not exhist in my world. I thought I have loved but all I have is lost. So get your butt on that highway and just drive. Drive till your car runs out of gas. Drive until your today turns into tomorrow. Believe that time is not always on your side but it is slow enough to find what you are looking for.
What am I looking for?
I am looking for me. I am looking for the perfect HIM. I am looking for a better tomorrow that will make today seem priceless. I am looking for my knight and shining armor type guy who will sweep me off my feet. I am LOOKING. Looking is the first step of believing. Believing will help you FIND what you were LOOKING for. I am looking for that beautiful sunset, that one where he will find me. That night no one will ever forget. Where my skin will glow with happiness and my smile will be cheerful.
But I forgot.
There is no such thing as love.
That dream will never come.
He will never come.
I am alone.
~Kelly
Friday, August 20, 2010
Dear World
This has probably been the worst week of this month. First someone gets a hold of my debit card information and makes a 139 dollar purchase in Belize City South America. So now I don't have any money in fact I am negative 105 dollars. Then I end up running out of gas to where I had to borrow my mom's car. Then my phone got turned off so I had to borrow money from my dad to get it turned back on. But of course when I picked up my tip share from work my mom made me pay a 107 dollar bill well there goes all my money. So I still don't have money, well I do...but 30 of it went to my gas tank so now i have 20 dollars in my bank account. Well then I find out all my friends are leaving me for when they go back to school. I am covered in bug bites I have a wart on my finger from God knows what and the new hard wood flooring in our house puts little rocks in the heals of my feet. OUCH! Oh and then on top of alllllll of that, John tells me he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me...but he doesn't tell ME this. Oh no he tells my friend and she tells me.
Now time for my positives: I'm going to be picking up enough shifts to almost work 40hours...every 2 weeks. What a life!
Oh! And on top of all that negative stuff...my friend put my car in the ditch which costed me 45 dollars to get it pulled out of the ditch but of course if my mom hadnt have cancelled my AAA card, I would still have that 45 dollars in my pocket.
I'm scared world. I'm scared that I will never get a good career and make good money and find a good husband that isn't an alcoholic or a druggy and we will have a nice beautiful fall wedding where I wear my red wedding gown and have an amazing life together and have a kid or two. Oh wait...that is a fantasy. It will never happen to me. Why do I have to live like this and hope for the best when there are better things out there for me? Oh yeah. Because I don't have the right training or the right education or I have no experience or enough money to work at a place that will support me.
I dream too much. Hopefully someone will come along and sweep me off my feet and probably make things a little easier on me :( good night world
Now time for my positives: I'm going to be picking up enough shifts to almost work 40hours...every 2 weeks. What a life!
Oh! And on top of all that negative stuff...my friend put my car in the ditch which costed me 45 dollars to get it pulled out of the ditch but of course if my mom hadnt have cancelled my AAA card, I would still have that 45 dollars in my pocket.
I'm scared world. I'm scared that I will never get a good career and make good money and find a good husband that isn't an alcoholic or a druggy and we will have a nice beautiful fall wedding where I wear my red wedding gown and have an amazing life together and have a kid or two. Oh wait...that is a fantasy. It will never happen to me. Why do I have to live like this and hope for the best when there are better things out there for me? Oh yeah. Because I don't have the right training or the right education or I have no experience or enough money to work at a place that will support me.
I dream too much. Hopefully someone will come along and sweep me off my feet and probably make things a little easier on me :( good night world
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Time Flies
Because I guess that the last time I wrote on this thing was forever ago. Oh well I am writing now. So John was complaining about how i blogged about him and so I figured I wasnt going to talk about him this time...but me saying I'm not going to talk about him is talking to him but what ever I guess we're not dating so what ever.
So I think that I am going to go skinny dipping with Katelyn some time. I don't know. I think I am gonna have the time of my life before it all just ends. Mom and I are talking about Chris Angel possibly being anti christ. It is nearly impossible from what he does I mean really?? I don't know why I am still blogging. Blogging seems pointless no one is there no one reads this it's all just the same. It's the story of my life no one there for me no one listening to me no one hearing me when something started going on and all of a sudden it all just goes down hill. I'm babbling again...
For who ever is out there listening, I thank you. For those who are out there laughing at me, screw you!
So I think that I am going to go skinny dipping with Katelyn some time. I don't know. I think I am gonna have the time of my life before it all just ends. Mom and I are talking about Chris Angel possibly being anti christ. It is nearly impossible from what he does I mean really?? I don't know why I am still blogging. Blogging seems pointless no one is there no one reads this it's all just the same. It's the story of my life no one there for me no one listening to me no one hearing me when something started going on and all of a sudden it all just goes down hill. I'm babbling again...
For who ever is out there listening, I thank you. For those who are out there laughing at me, screw you!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
New life, new day
Today was a bad day, as were the last 32 days. Since I turned 18 I have not been having the best of luck having the time of my life. I thought I was gonna get drunk and go to a strip club and have the most fun ever and get a new car and have the most amazing boyfriend and get to move out and do whatever I wanted without my parents to stop me. I was WRONG!!! With a capital RRR!!! I guess what I am trying to say is: DON'T EVER TURN 18!!! It will be the biggest mistake you will ever make.
I miss John I really do. I wonder if he misses me too. I think about him day and night and I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I wish I had never told him I wanted a break. That was probably the dumbest thing I have ever done. I miss how he used to hold me and kiss me and I miss how him and I could just talk. Talk about everything. My life, my parents, the problems I have been having, I miss talking about us. US. I love that word. Us. It makes me feel, special inside. I really miss him and I would say that inside, I really do feel like I love him. I miss it. I miss HIM. Well, I think I am going to go to bed, or maybe just get on Facebook and hope that he is online. Bye ~Kelly
I miss John I really do. I wonder if he misses me too. I think about him day and night and I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I wish I had never told him I wanted a break. That was probably the dumbest thing I have ever done. I miss how he used to hold me and kiss me and I miss how him and I could just talk. Talk about everything. My life, my parents, the problems I have been having, I miss talking about us. US. I love that word. Us. It makes me feel, special inside. I really miss him and I would say that inside, I really do feel like I love him. I miss it. I miss HIM. Well, I think I am going to go to bed, or maybe just get on Facebook and hope that he is online. Bye ~Kelly
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Moving out
Today is the day I talked to a couple people to find a place to live. I thought about apartments which is good. I thought about staying home and living with my parents and that part just scared the shit out of me. I thought about going to college and staying in their apartments and that is just too much money. Now I am thinking about moving in with my friend Katie. Problems with that include the fact that my parents already don't trust me, my parents don't like my friend, and I don't know what her mom's house rules are. If it means that I can't drink, or can't hang out with my boyfriend all the time, or absolutely hold a job, than it might not work out. I need my alcohol to cope because for one: if I don't get my alcohol, then I might just pick up smoking. For two, if I don't get to see my boyfriend on a regular basis than that is just going to start a whole hell of a lot of problems.
Sorry. I'm back. My friend Josh just got back from Chicago. He had a blast while I'm here crying my eyes out and wishing I was an alcoholic or a druggie. I wish I could just disappear for a while and come back out rich and famous for the work I never did. My aunt told me marry rich and don't care if he is cheating on you. Thing is, I am independent. I like to do things myself. But when it comes to relationships I want a guy to be there by my side and hold me when I'm in situations like this. I want a guy who will call me every morning just to tell me he loved me and then marry me and be with me forever. Divorces happen. I'm sure I'll go through at least 3. Guys just don't get along with me. I do as they please and get nothing out of it. :( I wish my teddy bear could talk to me and tell me what I should do. It would be so much more helpful. I think I am going to read after I finish with this.
I wish I was still in high school so I could still have someone to talk to. My teachers were always there for me and now, here I am stuck in my bedroom wishing I could just come out and say, "Will someone help me through this because I think if I keep living this way it'll kill me!" I used to think about what would happen if I could just swerve into the other lane going 60 and see if I could die, just to see what death was like. Sorry for anyone who has a problem with what I have just said but it is completely true. I do think of killing myself every once in a while. Those thoughts have gone down majorly now that someone is with me but I feel like if I talk to him about how I feel right now he will just leave me which means that the thoughts will come down on me even more.
There is a fly in my room and it is bugging the fuck out of me. I want to be out and about but I guess I have to stay here and do absolutely nothing. Life is so fucking gay! I never thought that being 18 would suck so much. I'm just ready to get out. I'm scared to express my feelings right now on the computer because some people might know my boyfriend so I'll just keep my feelings to myself. I just wish him and I could have a chance to talk :( This is so dumb right now that I don't even think it's funny anymore. The situation I'm in makes me feel like I can never keep a fucking relationship for more than 4 months. I think it would be better off for him to just dump me because what is the point. If we continue to date while he is at camp than yeah we would have dated for 4 months but technically he wasn't here or I wasn't there so we really weren't actually dating you know? I wish I had the ability to tell him that I don't want him to leave me but then I don't want to be the one to ruin his chances of having an amazing summer, even if it means ruining mine.
My mom is fighting with me again. At least this time it's over text messages. I don't like it when people yell at me to my face. I really need to go to the chiropractor because my back is killing me. I need to get a matress for my bed but why do they have to be so expensive?? I wish I had something going on this summer so I didn't have to think about John so much. My God. Why can't I get him out of my mind?? He is all I ever think about and I really don't understand why. This really hasn't happened to me since the first time I dated Tyler K. My shoulders are so tense right now. I need a back rub but like I can ever get anything around here.
Well, I guess I'm going to go to bed. So good night :))) :((( still sad
Sorry. I'm back. My friend Josh just got back from Chicago. He had a blast while I'm here crying my eyes out and wishing I was an alcoholic or a druggie. I wish I could just disappear for a while and come back out rich and famous for the work I never did. My aunt told me marry rich and don't care if he is cheating on you. Thing is, I am independent. I like to do things myself. But when it comes to relationships I want a guy to be there by my side and hold me when I'm in situations like this. I want a guy who will call me every morning just to tell me he loved me and then marry me and be with me forever. Divorces happen. I'm sure I'll go through at least 3. Guys just don't get along with me. I do as they please and get nothing out of it. :( I wish my teddy bear could talk to me and tell me what I should do. It would be so much more helpful. I think I am going to read after I finish with this.
I wish I was still in high school so I could still have someone to talk to. My teachers were always there for me and now, here I am stuck in my bedroom wishing I could just come out and say, "Will someone help me through this because I think if I keep living this way it'll kill me!" I used to think about what would happen if I could just swerve into the other lane going 60 and see if I could die, just to see what death was like. Sorry for anyone who has a problem with what I have just said but it is completely true. I do think of killing myself every once in a while. Those thoughts have gone down majorly now that someone is with me but I feel like if I talk to him about how I feel right now he will just leave me which means that the thoughts will come down on me even more.
There is a fly in my room and it is bugging the fuck out of me. I want to be out and about but I guess I have to stay here and do absolutely nothing. Life is so fucking gay! I never thought that being 18 would suck so much. I'm just ready to get out. I'm scared to express my feelings right now on the computer because some people might know my boyfriend so I'll just keep my feelings to myself. I just wish him and I could have a chance to talk :( This is so dumb right now that I don't even think it's funny anymore. The situation I'm in makes me feel like I can never keep a fucking relationship for more than 4 months. I think it would be better off for him to just dump me because what is the point. If we continue to date while he is at camp than yeah we would have dated for 4 months but technically he wasn't here or I wasn't there so we really weren't actually dating you know? I wish I had the ability to tell him that I don't want him to leave me but then I don't want to be the one to ruin his chances of having an amazing summer, even if it means ruining mine.
My mom is fighting with me again. At least this time it's over text messages. I don't like it when people yell at me to my face. I really need to go to the chiropractor because my back is killing me. I need to get a matress for my bed but why do they have to be so expensive?? I wish I had something going on this summer so I didn't have to think about John so much. My God. Why can't I get him out of my mind?? He is all I ever think about and I really don't understand why. This really hasn't happened to me since the first time I dated Tyler K. My shoulders are so tense right now. I need a back rub but like I can ever get anything around here.
Well, I guess I'm going to go to bed. So good night :))) :((( still sad
Friday, May 28, 2010
Fuck my Life...or just help me through it
I used to think that turning 18 would be the most amazing feeling. Move out, have a whole bunch of friends to get drunk with every night, and to go to bed around 5 in the morning every night. WRONG!!! Well, actually let me put it this way: VERY WRONG!!!! That was the only thought I ever had that was soooo majorly messed up. My Goodness you know if I could just get married and have kids now I'd be totally set. P.S. Sorry Ty Ty for scaring you with that part. LOL.
I used to want to adopt a chinese little girl and bring her back to the U.S. but I believe that will never happen. I used to dream that I would be a rock star and a mama by now but I had those dreams when I was 7 so don't blame me. I wish people actually read this thing so I could be telling someone about myself, although I am quite boring! It would be nice to be married though. That dream is still on the top of my list. I have a red wedding dress but I told John that and the first thing he said was, "NO! You are not going to have a red dress at our wedding!" I hope he realized that he said, "OUR".
My brother stopped talking to me. My older sister talks nonsense to me so I just ignore her now. I don't know my 2 other little sisters Meranda and Alexandria well enough seeing as to how I have seen them once since I was 11. 7 years ago and I still can't get them to like me. My other little sister Bridget used to be my best friend. She was smart, funny, pretty cool(she would do everything I told her to even if it would get her into trouble). But now she acts like she is 2, she is quite annoying so I can't stand being around her now, and all she ever wants to do is play on her god damn fuckin computer. I don't really get along with my other sister Brooke. I just think she's mean all the time beating up her friends and fighting with me all the time. Then there is Wren. She is 5 years old and can barely talk because my real mom won't give time to teach her how.
So yeah. 2 days ago I turned 18 as you already know. We had a little bonfire, I had my friend and my boyfriend over but even if he didn't realize it my best friend pissed me off so fuckin bad on the car ride back home. Sorry to everyone who was at my party that I made mad. I wish I could just go back and try everything over again. If I could, I would have been able to graduate early. If I would have been able to pass all my classes at North Linn and Washington, then I might have been able to graduate 2 terms early! :D Oh well. I still graduated.
I had posted on my facebook that I was having the worst fuckin 18th birthday ever and as I have mentioned above it was because of my friend. Well my mom saw that when she got online the day after and she started blaming it all on herself so I took off. NOTE: I had made that comment during the time that my friend was flirting with my bf. So of course I was having a horrible day :( But anywho...She decided to fight with me so I left and then my dad called to try to work everything out with me. I told him that if mom would stop fighting with me then I would come home but if she would start fighting with me again this week I wasn't going to. He told me she wasn't going to fight with me so I went home at 2.
She started fighting with me today. Actually she started bitching at EVERYONE today. I think she's on her period. WOW! I don't even get that pissy when I'm on my period. I wish she had a happy button that I could just push so that she would just stop bitching for once. Because of her I started looking for apartments. I just want to get out and stay with my boyfriend but she keeps making me stay home. He is leaving in half a week :( crap I'm crying now.
I guess I have to go because I'm getting tears all over my laptop. I will write soon. Keep reading all. :( bye...and don't ever make your 18th birthday the worst. Go out and party don't stay home unless your mom is your bestest friend in the whole entire world. Yeah right :( my mom just doesn't know when to stop :/ Bye.
I used to want to adopt a chinese little girl and bring her back to the U.S. but I believe that will never happen. I used to dream that I would be a rock star and a mama by now but I had those dreams when I was 7 so don't blame me. I wish people actually read this thing so I could be telling someone about myself, although I am quite boring! It would be nice to be married though. That dream is still on the top of my list. I have a red wedding dress but I told John that and the first thing he said was, "NO! You are not going to have a red dress at our wedding!" I hope he realized that he said, "OUR".
My brother stopped talking to me. My older sister talks nonsense to me so I just ignore her now. I don't know my 2 other little sisters Meranda and Alexandria well enough seeing as to how I have seen them once since I was 11. 7 years ago and I still can't get them to like me. My other little sister Bridget used to be my best friend. She was smart, funny, pretty cool(she would do everything I told her to even if it would get her into trouble). But now she acts like she is 2, she is quite annoying so I can't stand being around her now, and all she ever wants to do is play on her god damn fuckin computer. I don't really get along with my other sister Brooke. I just think she's mean all the time beating up her friends and fighting with me all the time. Then there is Wren. She is 5 years old and can barely talk because my real mom won't give time to teach her how.
So yeah. 2 days ago I turned 18 as you already know. We had a little bonfire, I had my friend and my boyfriend over but even if he didn't realize it my best friend pissed me off so fuckin bad on the car ride back home. Sorry to everyone who was at my party that I made mad. I wish I could just go back and try everything over again. If I could, I would have been able to graduate early. If I would have been able to pass all my classes at North Linn and Washington, then I might have been able to graduate 2 terms early! :D Oh well. I still graduated.
I had posted on my facebook that I was having the worst fuckin 18th birthday ever and as I have mentioned above it was because of my friend. Well my mom saw that when she got online the day after and she started blaming it all on herself so I took off. NOTE: I had made that comment during the time that my friend was flirting with my bf. So of course I was having a horrible day :( But anywho...She decided to fight with me so I left and then my dad called to try to work everything out with me. I told him that if mom would stop fighting with me then I would come home but if she would start fighting with me again this week I wasn't going to. He told me she wasn't going to fight with me so I went home at 2.
She started fighting with me today. Actually she started bitching at EVERYONE today. I think she's on her period. WOW! I don't even get that pissy when I'm on my period. I wish she had a happy button that I could just push so that she would just stop bitching for once. Because of her I started looking for apartments. I just want to get out and stay with my boyfriend but she keeps making me stay home. He is leaving in half a week :( crap I'm crying now.
I guess I have to go because I'm getting tears all over my laptop. I will write soon. Keep reading all. :( bye...and don't ever make your 18th birthday the worst. Go out and party don't stay home unless your mom is your bestest friend in the whole entire world. Yeah right :( my mom just doesn't know when to stop :/ Bye.
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